Guess, we can start from there, then. I have no life. Is that true? I mean, I do spend most of my time obsessing over music and its musicians, TV shows and movies and their actors and actresses and let's just be blunt here, these people that I obsess over wouldn't even give a rat's ass about me. Shit, they don't even know that I exist, for all I know. Is it fair, though, to say that such people have no life?
In real life, I would have people judging me, giving me looks and snickering whenever I get fired up about, let's say, a movie. I often go up to upcoming movie posters in theaters to see who plays in it and I'd blabber all to myself when I recognize someone. Even my dearest friends would sigh and mumbled "here she goes again"s whenever that happened. I got judged for liking My Chemical Romance and obsessing over them when now, the same said people are busy obsessing over One Direction and claiming them as their boyfriends whatsoever. God, the irony.
Feeling the need to just let out these unconfined feelings, I figured I would search for a place where I would definitely be welcomed and greeted wholly for being a fan of something. This led me to tumblr first. I joined in, followed a couple and more blogs that were mostly centered on certain bands that I was obsessing over, and boy, was I addicted. I stayed up late night just to reblog pictures, which surprisingly, is a very fun thing to do. Then I started to talk to these users and they were super nice. They were so sweet, I could've died getting diabetes.
There were a lot of people that I talked to, but the most frequent ones that I converse with are these four people. Being with these people really made me feel like I belonged. I wasn't judged for liking something, I could freak out with them over the things that we all liked, and the inside jokes--don't even get me started. Everything was perfect, though there was one disadvantage from the friendship: we were all basically living so far away from each other. Well, practically, it was probably only me since they all lived in the States. This really got me thinking, right when I felt so alone for being different, for being that one red flower in a garden of yellow flowers, I realized that there's so much more than what's happening around you. There's many more gardens other than the one you're in. There could be a thousand or even hundreds more red flowers, just not located in your garden. This really opened my eyes, giving me hope even until now, thinking whenever I'm in a really bad place that there probably could be someone that's going through the same shit that I was going through, or even something worse. (Though that doesn't exactly make what I'm feeling less legit)
That's the first lesson that I learned. Being friends with them, I literally had to stay up really late at night just to be able to talk to them. Twelve hour difference was a pain in the ass, you see. Though if losing sleep is what it took to be able to talk to them, then hell--call me a fucking panda in the morning. The longer we know each other, the more we open up to each other. I got to hear more of their daily lives, how their day went and their problems. I finally realized that this one girl, the one that had been cheering me up whenever I feel like shit, was depressed and suicidal. Her parents were strict religious parents and she got home-schooled because her mom didn't want her to get bullied, which was something that never really happened before. The fact that she was an atheist and a bisexual didn't help either. To think that she'd been helping me cheer up with me being tired from my educational problems and how I couldn't go to a certain concert made me feel really awful. I'd been complaining about things that don't really matter when one of my best friends thought about ending her life every night, and I was not able to notice it. One hell of a friend, wasn't I? Imagine the horror when I left for Oxford for two weeks and not exactly being able to maintain a stable internet connection, I lost contact with her, until I got back to Indonesia and checked in on her, only to find out that she deleted her blog and facebook account and abandoned her twitter because her parents found out about the cuts on her wrists, her arms. Either she left to rehab or she decided to end it all, I didn't know, and the latter thought was the most often suggestion that popped to my mind. Finding out that one of them also had to suffer through constant panic attacks and anxiety upset me. That's when I realized that there was a bigger thing rather than obsessing and fangirling over the band that we all were crazy for. They hung onto the meaningful lyrics to get through the day, and there happened to be a hell lot of people who needed that, so we, all the wounded and flawed part of the society, gathered around and found each other, mend each other.
Every now and then, I would look back to that exact moment and be really grateful to be able to have them as friends. They really helped me become who I am today, even though that's not something that's much, anyway. At least, I'd be way more of a bitch if I hadn't met them. I feel like I'm getting off topic and it's hard to tell the exact points of this post, so I'll summarize it for you :
1.) You're never alone. Even when you think you are, there's always someone who's going through the same shit as you are, or something even worse. There are 7 billion people in this world, for God's sake. Go ask for help if the shit's unbearable, it's okay to be weak sometimes.
2.) Mental health problems is a serious thing that most sufferers would rarely open up about. That guy who often cracks jokes in your class might be having breakdowns every night.
3.) Do not estimate the power of fandoms.
To those of you who's wondering what happened to the girl that I lost contact with, I was very grateful to find out that she re-appeared back in facebook not long ago, and is now in college. I tried writing on her wall a couple of weeks back, but she has not replied. Just the fact that she's still alive and breathing out there is enough for me.
It's true when I said I was going off topic from where I wanted this post to go, but this will do just fine. I guess. Right. Kay. Good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment